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Shame

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Although shame and guilt often overlap, they are not the same. Shame is more about how we view ourselves deep down, while guilt is about believing we have done something wrong. Both can weigh heavily, even though neither belongs to survivors of sexual violence.

Survivors have described shame as one of the most painful and isolating feelings they have experienced. It can feel tangled, overwhelming, and deeply personal. Many describe it as something that clings and weighs them down, leaving them feeling small, unworthy, or convinced that no one will want to help.

This can make it harder to ask for support or to talk about what happened.

But here’s the truth: this shame does not belong to you.

 

 

What can trigger the feeling of shame?

From others:

Sometimes shame is placed there by others. Perpetrators often deflect responsibility, telling the survivor it was their fault or making them feel to blame. This can create deep and lasting feelings of shame. But the truth is that responsibility always lies with the person who caused the harm. They made the choice to commit sexual violence. This is not your shame.

Society:

Society also plays a role. Harmful myths, victim-blaming messages, and stereotypes all feed into shame. When survivors do try to speak out, those feelings can deepen if they are met with disbelief, minimisation, or even blame. These reactions don’t say anything about your worth; they reveal a culture that has failed to listen, protect, and believe.

Trauma responses:

Trauma changes how the body and brain work. When danger is sensed, our bodies act automatically. This isn’t something we choose or control. These are the ways the body can respond to trauma:

· Fight – trying to resist, push back, or defend

· Flight – escaping or running away

· Freeze – the body shuts down; you can’t move or speak

· Flop – becoming limp or collapsing

· Friend – appeasing, placating, or trying to keep someone calm

 

Shame is often closely tied to the freeze response. Survivors may ask themselves: “Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I run?” But in those moments, your body was protecting you in the best way it knew how. Freezing may have saved your life.

Yet the very thing that helped you survive can later become linked with feelings of shame. Survivors sometimes find themselves caught in a loop, replaying what happened and asking what they could have done differently. Being stuck in that cycle can feel draining and isolating.

Shame can also come from the way the body responded during the attack. Some survivors notice physical reactions such as becoming aroused. This can feel confusing or deeply distressing, but it is important to know that these responses are common and automatic. They are natural bodily reactions to stimulation, even in situations of fear or violence. They do not mean you wanted what happened, and they do not equal consent.

Whether you froze, tried to keep the perpetrator calm, or experienced a physical response, these are all normal ways the body works to survive. None of them is your fault.

Coping with impacts:

Survivors may find themselves coping in ways that feel confusing, frustrating, or misunderstood by others. Some withdraw, some overwork, some struggle with relationships, while others feel “stuck.” You might notice yourself feeling disconnected or relying on certain habits to get through.

These responses can bring up or intensify feelings of shame. But it is important to remember that they are not failings and they are not signs of weakness. They are the ways your mind and body have adapted to keep you going during an extremely difficult time.

 

Moving Forward:

At the STAR Centre, we are here to support you, step by step, and at your own pace. Our role is to listen without judgement, to hold space for whatever you bring, and to help you make sense of how you feel.

You are not alone. We believe you.

The shame was never yours.