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#MythBustingMonday: Does Arousal = Consent?

Something that comes up in our workshops from time to time is questions around arousal and how it factors in consent. If someone has an erection, is this consent? If someone has had an orgasm does this mean they liked it? This month our prevention worker, Emma, unpacks these myths and misconceptions. 

[Read time: 2-3 min]

To start, lets unpack what “arousal” is and what it means in the body. 

Sexual arousal is the process in which the body prepares itself for sex. It is a dynamic, multi-component process that is experienced and expressed through different systems within the body. It is a natural process that we often have little-to-no control or influence over. 

Bodily arousal (e.g. erections, lubrication of genitals) is done independently of what you might think or feel about a stimulus. These responses are instinctive, and are not controlled by our feelings or conscious thoughts about it. Arousal responses can happen in response to a range of stimuli, regardless of whether the person themselves likes what they are seeing or experiencing. 

This means that the way the body responds to a sexual encounter has nothing to do with a person having given consent. 

But what if someone ejaculates or orgasms?

Neither ejaculation or orgasm indicates consent. Again, these are bodily responses to stimulation that have nothing to do with our wants, desires, boundaries or consent. 

Why do we have to talk about this?

This idea that our bodily responses indicate consent can be really damaging for survivors of sexual violence. Having your body do something you don’t want to something you didn’t want or ask for can bring up a lot of complicated feelings. It can make survivors feel betrayed by their body’s response, and can lead to feelings of self-blame or guilt. 

Feelings of arousal do not undermine or invalidate an experience of sexual violence. No matter how you or your body responded in the moment, your experience of sexual violence is valid and you are deserving of support. Please contact us at The STAR Centre if this has happened and you feel you would like support. 

How can I tell the person I’m with is consenting?

A lot of the time in my work as a prevention worker, people want me to give them a checklist of what “counts” as consent. It would be really easy if there was a really obvious marker that indicated that someone is aroused and consenting to sex. At the absolute baseline:

Consent should be freely and enthusiastically given.

There should never be any pressure around consent. If someone feels they have to say yes, or they can’t say no for any reason, there is not any consent. You want the person you’re with to be enthusiastic and actively enjoying what you are doing. Look for how the person is speaking or acting, are they touching you back unprompted? Are they actively telling you what they do/don’t like?

Consent can be taken away at any time. 

The person has to fully know about and be actively interested in what you want to do. Even if you’ve already started having sex, you still need to think about consent. You always have the right to change your mind and take consent away - no matter what is happening.

If you ever doubt whether a person is consenting, you have to stop and check in. It might be that they just don’t like what you’re doing, it might be that their heads just not in it. Taking the time to stop and get yourselves back on track is key to having good sex.