Blog

Relationships after Sexual Violence

Background

Experiences of sexual violence can cause significant trauma as well as short and long-term physical, emotional and sexual wellbeing issues. It can be a significant experience which can alter your view of the world, making it difficult to trust others, including yourself, or relate to people in the way you used to. Your confidence and self-esteem may have been impacted by your experience, and it can make you feel uncomfortable with any form of physical or emotional contact. You may find your relationships with other people, including your friends, intimate partner, children and wider family, have also been impacted by your experience. You may wish to withdraw yourself from social situations, isolate yourself from those who care about you or struggle to form new connections with others. Experiences of sexual violence can also affect how you feel about sex and intimacy. This does not mean you are damaged or broken, it means your brain and body have been impacted by significant trauma, and all these impacts are both normal and common responses to an experience of sexual violence.

You may not have told anyone about your experience, including your intimate partner, and you should never be forced or pressured into disclosing your experience of sexual violence. If you do choose to disclose, this should always be your decision, and on your terms.

If you do decide to tell your family, friends, partner or others, they may be shocked and distressed. They may want to help you in any way that they can, or they may have their own difficulties, such as not knowing what to say or believing things about sexual violence that are untrue and unhelpful. Often, friends and family members can be unsure of how to handle disclosures. They may have unrealistic expectations about how long it might take you to heal or recover from the experience, something we do not put a time limit on. They may find it difficult to talk to you if you are irritable or withdrawn and may not want to put further pressure on you by making you speak about your experience further. They may also need some help themselves to cope with their own feelings, or potentially their own experiences, to feel capable and comfortable enough to support you. Often people are well meaning but may not understand your situation or what you’re going through, and relationships of any kind may be further complicated if the person who sexually assaulted you is a family member, intimate partner or mutual friend.

At the Star Centre, we recognise that sexual violence is a global issue that impacts people from all walks of life, but it is also still considered a taboo subject and as such is not always spoken about openly. It can be common for friends and family members to not know how to support a loved one who has disclosed an experience of sexual violence, which is why we offer friends and family support to anyone who is struggling to support someone they care about who has been impacted by sexual violence.

How sexual violence can impact intimate relationships

Sexual violence is often committed by someone known to the survivor. This can be a partner or ex-partner, family member or friend, and can happen within the context of an intimate relationship, which can be very confusing for the survivor. It is important to remember that you always have the right to say no to sex, whether or not you have previously had consensual sex with someone. Forced sex within marriage or any intimate relationship, including LGBTQ+ relationships, is still sexual violence and against the law.

After an experience of sexual violence, you may have difficulty with trust, intimacy and sex, immediately after the abuse or many years later. Some people avoid any form of intimacy and sexual activity. Some people find they can still be sexually active comfortably, but do not enjoy sex in the way they used to. Some people have sex frequently and may attempt to reclaim a sense of their own power through sexual activity with others. Your friends and family may feel confused by your reaction, or judge you for how you’ve responded, but it is important to remember that everyone reacts differently to an experience of sexual violence, and there is no right or wrong way to respond.

Common reactions:

• Avoiding or feeling afraid of sex
• Seeing sex as an obligation
• Negative feelings such as anger, disgust or guilt with any form of physical touch
• Having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling a connection to sexual intimacy, with yourself or a partner
• Feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
• Experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
• Having flashbacks during sex
• Engaging in compulsive, inappropriate or harmful sexual behaviour
• Difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
• Pain or difficulty with orgasm

If you have been assaulted by someone you knew and trusted, this may affect how your present intimate relationships develop, and how you view sexual intimacy. You may also be struggling with ongoing medical issues, such as Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s). If it is an infection which flares up during sexual activity, this may remind you of the assault or make you anxious about sex. You may also worry about a current or future sexual partner rejecting you because of your STI, but it’s important to remember all STI’s can be treated and many can be cured. You may not want to tell an intimate partner about an STI, but if you do not, this could also affect their sexual health. If you are concerned about your sexual health and unsure what options are available, please see our Blog Post on Sexual Health for further information.   

What you can do: Self-care tips for Survivors

It is important to take care of yourself and acknowledge that you are not responsible for how other people feel. If those you have chosen to disclose to are struggling, they need to find their own ways of coping, and it can help if they understand more about what you’re going through. You can direct them to the RCS Helpline or The Star Centre for further information and support for themselves. It’s also important to think about who you choose to disclose to. If possible, it may be helpful to have a support network of people you trust around you. If you do not want to disclose your experience to friends or family, you can disclose to one of our therapeutic support workers in the centre. While this is not something we ever enforce people to do, support sessions are a confidential and safe space designed to help you understand and process your experience in a trauma-informed and person-centred manner. Being able to be honest with yourself and others can help you to feel more in control, but we understand how difficult it can be to disclose any experience of sexual violence and will be with you every step of the way.

Lack of communication with your loved ones may lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings or a loss of intimacy on both sides. This is in no way your fault but reflects how difficult disclosing and receiving disclosures can be. Being able to reassure your partner, family or friends that the impacts you are currently struggling with are not a reflection of them may help both you and your relationships. If your loved ones are looking for further information on how best to support you, they can find leaflets available for Partners, Family Members and Friends available via The Star Centre website (https://www.starcentreayrshire.org/support-fnf/).

When someone uses sex to hurt you, it can be difficult to feel confident that sex can or will be good again. In your sexual relationships, it is important to feel that you are in control. This means being able to go at your own pace, being open and honest about what you want and need, feeling safe with your partner and being able to change your mind about sex at any time. You may not want any sexual contact, and it is important to talk to your partner about this or discuss the level of intimacy you are comfortable with. Communicating about this may not feel easy or comfortable at first, but it is important that your partner understands how you feel so you can support each other. You could think of and discuss the forms of physical contact that you are comfortable with and, when you are ready, build on this gradually. Think back to basics here, holding hands, hugging each other, sitting beside each other on the sofa. There are many forms of intimacy between people that do not involve any form of sexual contact, and we would always recommend starting with this. If you are struggling with any of these aspects, we would also recommend speaking to a qualified sexual health therapist as an individual or as a partnership if you are comfortable with this.

Some survivors experience flashbacks during sex. If you can speak to your partner about your experience of sexual violence, it may allow you to explain your flashbacks and agree in advance what you want to do if this happens. If you are struggling with flashbacks during sex, it is okay to take time out from the sexual side of your relationship. Your partner should respect your choice and support you. If you are not able to, or don’t want to disclose your experience with your partner, you may find it helpful to establish boundaries within your intimate relationship and highlight what you are and are not comfortable with. Your partner may ask questions about this but remember, you do not have to disclose your experience if you are not comfortable doing so.

With a new partner, it may help to plan what time you want to spend with them. Think about what helps you to feel good. You do not have to be alone with someone unless you want to be. You are allowed to set your own limits and boundaries, including how much intimacy you feel you can cope with at any time. Talking about your relationships with others may be helpful, and it is important you feel able to talk to someone you trust. Remember, you are important, your feelings matter, you do not have to cope on your own.

If the information in this post has impacted you and you would like to speak to someone, or you are struggling with your relationships as an impact of an experience of sexual violence, you can reach out to us at The Star Centre via phone (01563 544686), email (admin@starcentreayrshire.org.uk) or via our website (https://www.starcentreayrshire.org/).